Joey

As an addendum to my first post(I don't believe in edits): I'm extremely ashamed of myself for starting a blog. I'm even more ashamed of myself for the shameless self-advertising required to get it anywhere near even remotely capable of being considered popular. Even the word 'blog' sounds repulsive to me. Kinda feels like shit. Maybe because it has 'log' in it. Now then, on to the post. . . .

     I don't have a few pet fish like most people(I hate seafood), or a pet rodent of any kind. Parents have a dog, but the dog(which I refer to as Dog, since Dog is the only one that answers to it) hates me. I have this little guy.

He's my little buddy. A corn snake, if I remember the 'color morph' correctly, he's an albino motley sunspot or something like that. I looked it up once. A few weeks ago. 'Color morph' is something the 'herpetologists' - I mean, reptile geeks, came up with because patterns aren't important enough. These are the same people that will tell you that it's not a cage the snake is in, it's a 'vivarium' filled with 'substrate' instead of bedding. 

     Anyway, point is, I have a snake. A corn snake. It doesn't eat corn and it isn't made of corn, so the name might be misleading. Traditionally, they were found in large abundances near cornfields, where they would eat field mice, second basemen, and my ancestors. 

     Note to all dumbshits: Farmer jokes and baseball jokes are not funny or clever. Just because my last name is Fielder doesn't mean you can use what little tiny shred of free thought you have to make a joke that's been made about 447.932 billion times. Same goes for those of you who make Wizard of Oz references because I'm from Kansas. Those jokes stopped being funny about 20 minutes after the movie originally came out in the 1930's.

     So I have a snake. I'm loathe to name it, since as it has no legs it can't happily run over to me when I call it. Still, it is a *corn* snake, and there's a bit of a story there, and a name that doesn't sound like it was developed by a clan of octaplegic deaf squids made of melted butter.

     There's this one dude, a couple years older than me, a good friend of mine. His beard-growing skills are legendary, as are the legends of his life. Legendary legends. Who knew. Some say he failed kindergarten twice. Some say that he sleeps under a different person's bed every night. Some even claim to see him looking at them through their windows in the middle of the night. Still others report that he's from an ancient tribe with no lineage, no culture, and no distinguishing features. Enter: Joey.

     Joey's about as tall as me, a lot better gamer than I am, and a dropout. I mean, he was 17 years old last year when we were freshmen. He dropped out at the end of the year and I visit him every now and again. He lives behind a place that sells chicken in bulk. And he has his own parking lot. I thought I was a slacker, but I'm the type to do as little work as possible, and not really a slacker at all. Joey is the textbook definition of slacking. In the classes I had him in, he never did a single iota of the work. Man is a legend. 

    The escapades we got into are the type of things that epic poems of ages long gone are written about. Being relatively the same type of person, and having the same insatiable need to get rises out of people, we were constantly fucking with everybody. 

"Hey Joey, did you see the jackknife billboard with the pancake sauce on it? Kinda by the pine trees out by that one box in the backyard, where the monkeys were always contemplating that bouncehouse?" 

"Sure did. They used to have those at that one store, sometimes red, sometimes green, all different colors. There was a sale a while back because there were too many of them, and I think the snowman bought some for the diving board."

     One of his favorite phrases is "Gimme your co-ahn bread, nergeh." Probably spelled exactly like that. I forget what movie it's from, but the word nergeh was written in a health textbook in 8th grade(probably by the type of bigoted little  spineless fish that wants to tell people how superior his race is, but still doesn't want to step on any toes. Or was just retarded. Here in Arkansas, you can never really tell the difference). He made this into one of the most versatile phrases of all time. Want to borrow something from someone? "Gimme your co-ahn bread, nergeh." Looking for some help? "Gimme your co-ahn bread, nergeh." Creeping someone out but forget your line? "Gimme your co-ahn bread, nergeh." I wish I could come up with a phrase this versatile and awesome. As soon as I wrote that, I got on a social networking site I am ashamed to be a part of and called another friend of mine a bag of dog asses. It's got a bit of a ring to it, but it's not the staple of life I'm looking for. Do dogs even have asses? 

     And, of course, many a day came when the school cafeteria actually served cornbread. He would go up to every single person with cornbread and unleash the phrase, no matter who the person happened to be. If Hitler, Stalin, and Dubya were sitting at the table, he would have demanded that they hand over their cornbread. He racked up quite the reputation, one that I'm envious of to this day. People would steer clear of him and leave him alone, or watch from a distance as he turned an unsuspecting person into a source of hilarity. How he managed to keep a straight face is a secret not known to this dimension. And, of course, being left alone is all he really wanted. And all I really want. I wish I could learn the secret to his success and use it for my own purposes. 

     And that's how my corn snake came to be named after a god.